10 Types of Friends You Probably Have
What are friends for? For taking the piss at, of course.
True friendship involves a whole lot of trust, sarcasm and honesty – which is exactly what this article embodies. It’s about to get real, so tag your friends accordingly and see who gets butt-hurt or burns you back. The latter are your true friends.
1. The Virtual Friend
Although not as dodgy as the “friends” you made on Maple Story as a kid, the social media version can be equally dubious. Think those people whom you address by their username and when asked, cannot explain how you know them except name the mutual friends you guys have on Facebook. Despite that, these online pals are very generous with their “bro”s, “babe”s and heart-shaped eye emojis when they comment on your pictures. If you’ve got a foodie feed, they’re prone to asking you for a “slice”, almost rhetorically, and leaving you to think long and hard on a teleportation device that would send food through Instagram. Even though they have never met you, let alone your Mom, they still can’t help but express their boundless love and extend their Mothers’ Day wishes in the comments section of your dedication post. Do you guys feel all warm and fuzzy? Or straight up like that emoji with all his teeth barred in an awkward smile that’s as insincere as every virtual attempt to be pseudo friends?
2. The Burden
These friends have more needs than puppies, except they’re not cute. Apart from perpetually “borrowing” un-returnable things like electricity, food, tissue and loose change, they probably also lowkey maid you and expect you to wait on them, hold their things, get things for them and take care of them every time you guys hit the club. If you’re one of those people who consciously make the decision to go to school without stationery or leave the house without a portable charger even though you know that that 100% isn’t going to last you past 2pm, please remember that you’re a full grown, self-reliant, independent person. Favours are done out of good will and should not be expected. To be frank, brats are the wurst.
3. The Party Lobang
He’s that guy you love during hype season but loathe when you currently ain’t about that life (AKA when you’re attached). While his endless Facebook event invites and Whatsapp guestlist promos and jios used to get you hyped for the weekend, they now mostly annoy you as much as invites to play Candy Crush. Oh, that false hope… Your gf/bf probably hates the Party Lobang because all they see is him luring you back into your old single and ready for a Pringle days filled with vice and debauchery (little does she/he know you actually spent weekends catching up on GoT). Oh well, he’s still the first person you holler at when you’re inevitably single again and looking to get TURNT. This guy is always down and he knows bouncers and ballers and promoters and door girls. He knows what’s up.
4. The Whipped
I’m sure you’ve witnessed some homies go MIA upon entering unhealthy relationships with possessive and/or paranoid people. While you might be inclined to play that “bros before hoes” card, do keep in mind that it’ll probably serve no other purpose than make you look like a non-understanding douchebag. Plus, it’s childish and derogatory. All you can do is wait around for that toxic relationship to inevitably go up in flames and be there for your friend when it happens. As for those who are whipped, try to pull a Libra and keep a healthy balance in everything that you do. Manage your time and make sure you set aside some for your friends and family. Especially since yalls probably aren’t even married yet, don’t revolve your life around your latest squeeze and become an intermittent and unreliable friend/son/daughter/brother/sister.
5. The Drama
Their family, friends and love life are perpetually embroiled in some sort of hoopla as they spend their sober days gossiping and their drunken nights crying, getting into fights or straight-up causing trouble. Perhaps Kim Kardashian is their #LifeGoals because you literally can’t keep up with them. If you haven’t caught up with them in the last 0.3 seconds, you’re probably already out-dated. So when you guys meet, be prepared to sit back, relax and enjoy the show. You don’t need to give much input – just like how you don’t need to talk to your laptop screen while catching up on the latest season of your favourite TV series. The occasional OMG and LOL are sufficient to signal that you are alive and animate.
6. The Demigod
This is that one friend who makes you look like a potato (or carrot on his/her “ugly” days) in comparison. Sure, there are some perks that come with having a ridiculously good-looking friend. If you both are dudes, he’ll get you the chicks. If you both are girls, she’ll get you the drinks. If you guys are of the opposite sexes, then you can secretly relish the experience of having him/her as arm candy and/or using him/her as a jealously bait for any pesky exes. All these pros actually just comfort the ultimate con that is your bruised self-esteem that takes a hit every time you guys hang out or take a picture together. (You know when they get all the attention at the clubs and you end up third wheeling or when your Instagram post with him/her gets a sudden spike in likes and you’re just like okay…)
7. The Social Media Freak
We’re living in the age of social media and if you say that you’re not the least bit addicted to it, you’re probably lying… or you’re >80 years old. While it’s super rare nowadays to find someone who has 0 social media accounts, the people on the other end of the spectrum are unfortunately not as uncommon. These are the CMI & TMI people of social media whose time is carefully divided between broadcasting their lives on the different platforms. I’m talking every meal of the day, every argument they have, every emotion they feel, every shit they take, every place they visit, every friend they meet and every outfit they put on. They leave little room for imagination and plenty of information for online stalkers to prey on. Besides compromising their own safety, they’re also prone to jeopardising their relationships with others either by throwing too much shade on Twitter or simply being too overwhelming (read: gushing ‘bout that first date too much & too soon). Before you post that tweet, ask yourself if you’d shout what you just wrote in public. If you wouldn’t, it’s probably stupid, embarrassing or frivolous. And the next times you’re out with friends or family, put down your phone and just enjoy their company! Everyone knows that if you were tweeting the whole damn time, it probably wasn’t THAT fun.
8. The Instafamous
Unlike the social media freak, the Instafamous are so popular online that they could make a brand and career out of their pages. Maintaining high standards on Instagram, creating content on their blogs, vlogging, and keeping their followers updated and engaged via every other platform such as Twitter and Snapchat takes up A LOT of their time… maybe ‘bout 80%. So don’t expect them to give you that old school 100% attention when you guys hang out. Instead, brush up on your OOTD photography skills, learn to be patient while they take that #FoodPorn pic, look your best for your feature in their Snapchat, and don’t get offended if you don’t make it onto their Instagram (as your face might not match their immaculate feed). Be honoured that they replied to your jio out of the other 52 perpetually unread messages on their Whatsapp and took time out of their glamorously hectic lives to be witchu.
9. The PR
The PR is everyone’s absolute favourite. With their extensive connections due to their knack for forging and maintaining diplomatic ties, these friendly creatures can easily carve out a future career in public relations. They’re polite, charming and master small-talkers. They’re the type to shake your Dad’s hand and ask your Mom if she were your sister if you bumped into them on the streets. They’re also the type to befriend every storeowner, hairstylist, and frontline staff they meet and this is a good thing because that means discounts wherever you guys go to hang out. The PR also rocks because you never have to worry about them when you throw those huge parties filled with miscellaneous people who don’t know each other. You can count on them to work the crowd and emerge with everyone’s approval.
10. The Schoolio
Basically your side dude if your BFF ain’t in the same school. He’s got your back when you’re absent, he’s your lunch buddy, he’s your lab partner, he’s your CCA mate, he’s your everything. Except on weekends. On weekends, ain’t nobody got time for him. There’s a mutual understanding that those two days are reserved for everyone else – that 5:2 ratio is already very generous. This means that the Schoolio isn’t very involved in anything you got going on outside school. However, you’d still invite him to big parties that might leave him awkwardly outnumbered with the rest of your friends, or until the resident PR saves him from his misery. Unless you’re a ruthless thug, you’d invite some mutual classmates to ease that social anxiety.
There you have it – now tag away! Just be prepared for your bro to come back at you with little chill with your own tag. If your “buddy” gets too butt-hurt and is stirring up a hoopla or cold war over this, then it’s time to re-evaluate your buddy list. (That is unless your friend is The Drama and is trying to manipulate the situation to milk as much attention out of it as possible… In that case, the theatrics should die down in a few days so just ignore him/her)
Written by : Denise Tan
Date : 5th June 2015